Verbal Aikido - Green Belt by Archer Luke

Author:Archer, Luke [Archer, Luke]
Language: eng
Format: azw3
Published: 2013-03-30T16:00:00+00:00

Common ground

One of the reasons that conflicts escalate so quickly is because of finger-pointing. Here’s an example of an exchange that escalated quickly:

Attacker: “Late again!”

Untrained target: “Well you’re not exactly Mr. Punctual yourself!”

Attacker: “Yeah, yeah, so what was it this time, alarm clock never went off or an alien abduction?”

Untrained target: “Hold on just a minute, at least it’s not as bad as the time you turned up two hours late for the group trip and kept everyone waiting!”

Attacker: “Yeah, well what about the time you completely forgot about…?” (etc.)

Clearly, neither of the people involved have actually decided on a positive outcome for this exchange, or if they have, they’re letting off a little steam beforehand. When dealing with an accusation, the counter-attack strategy is just as likely to obtain a negative emotional result as a justification one, and is even more prone to an escalation. But what’s similar in both these strategies is that they reinforce difference – meaning that in retaliation to the accusatory ‘you’ attack, using either ‘I’ (or ‘me’) for justification or ‘you’ for counter-accusations, is simply insisting on an opposing point of view.

Grammatically speaking this is called using the first person singular (‘I’, ‘me’, ‘my’, etc) and second person singular (‘you’, ‘your’, etc.) forms. An Aikidoist’s way to find balance through the common ground technique, is to deliberately use the first person plural form (‘we’, ‘us’, ‘our’, etc.), and in fact any word or expression that brings both people into a common view: together, both, jointly, everyone, mutual, as one, each of us, collectively, combined effort, … Any words that aim to eliminate difference and promote unity are ones that will facilitate saving the face of the attacker and contribute towards a potentially positive outcome.

Aikidoist: “How was your weekend?”

Attacker: “Nothing special, you?”

Aikidoist: “I went to the U2 concert, it was awesome!”

Attacker: “That Bono is such a fool!”

Aikidoist: “[…] What makes you feel that way?”

Attacker: “Seriously, who does he think he is with his orange sunglasses and his ‘I’m-gonna-save-the-world’ attitude, not to mention his whiny voice!”

Aikidoist: “[…] Sounds like no matter what he does it would bother you! I think I know what you mean.”

Attacker: “[***] You do?”

Aikidoist: “Yeah I reckon everyone’s got someone like that – for me it’s Celine Dion, I mean she could probably find the solution to world hunger and my hair would still stand on end just thinking about her, you know what I mean?”

Attacker: “[***] Heh, yeah…”

[- - -] (Ai-ki)

This specific attack wasn’t made directly at the Aikidoist, but many aggressive types choose to belittle or devalue a known fondness in order to create discomfort, give themselves more value, or simply out of habit. By finding common ground with the attacker’s sentiment rather than his attitude towards the object of the attack, thus separating the two elements, the Aikidoist aims at complicity and successfully creates an Ai-ki.

Attacker: “Another screw up I see!”

Aikidoist: “[…] What is it that you see?”

Attacker: “Just look at the way you’ve made a total mess of

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